Starting a new relationship is always a little disconcerting. The new person is different from your last flame and there is a lot to learn about them. There is a new history to develop and you don’t want to bring your old history into the mix.
It is always best to start any new relationship with a clean slate. Yet, sometimes that can be difficult because the old lover may have been a huge part of you or your new love’s life. There are memories there as well as lessons learned and those are bound to affect the new relationship in some ways because it affects how they view things.
There was a man who was always the listening ear to his sister-in-law’s love life. She was divorced so hung around her sister, his wife, a lot. This man was a sympathetic soul so it was for certain his sister-in-law would end up relaying everything to him. He often told her to stay away from men who couldn’t leave the past.
“He’s like Samsonite. He’s got too much baggage,” he would say.
Excess baggage from an old relationship will certainly hurt any you try to proceed with in the future. It is natural to talk some about an ex so your new partner understands you, but quite another to dwell on it.
How can you tell the difference?
Here are six ways to know that your partner isn’t over their ex:
Their Ex Is Part of the Conversation
You may feel there are three people taking part in your conversations because they always bring up their ex. The topic doesn’t matter because they will always navigate the dialogue back to their ex. This isn’t natural and will make you feel uncomfortable because their mind is not on your relationship.
You Always Hear Complaints About Their Ex
This new love is constantly complaining to you about their ex or exes. In their mind, they think this is good because it shows they hate them and love you. It isn’t good because it demonstrates they still have a lot of emotional attachment to the old relationship. The ideal is to not have any feelings at all because it is in the past. This is a sign they haven’t let go.
The Ex Remains on Their Social Media
It could be they revisit a memory and repost it or still have the ex in profile pictures. It could also be they are still friends with them. All of these are signs they just can’t let go. It is as if their social media pages are memorializing their failed relationship.
They Ask How You Feel About Your Ex
This is a troubling sign because it shows they recognize their behavior isn’t normal. Asking you about your feelings about your past relationships indicates they want to see if others are having trouble letting go as they are. It alleviates guilt if you say yes.
If your new love asks this, tell them no and that you have learned to move on. Then, take a moment to tell them they need to move on too if they want a thriving relationship with you.
They Rush the Relationship
People who can’t get over a past relationship tend to rush the new relationship into a commitment that neither of you is ready for. They attempt to pressure you out of a need for security. Doing so indicates they are both insecure in themselves and tend to only feel confident when in a relationship. It also indicates they haven’t learned to let go of the past because they are trying to substitute a new relationship for the old and it also shows they are immature because they can’t take a break to breathe and be on their own in between relationships.
They Keep Talking About Their Ex
They talk incessantly about their ex. They talk so much about it that you began to feel more like a therapist than a date. You now know so many details that you feel like you were there. This is draining and is unnecessary for you to be a part of. You deserve a real relationship, not just one where the other person is emotionally in the past.
How Do You Handle It?
The first thing to know is that you can’t ignore it. That may be tempting for a lot of reasons. Maybe you aren’t the confrontational type or maybe they are super hot so you want to give it a chance. At some point, this issue will need to be addressed.
You need to deal with it the moment it comes up. That is likely going to be the first date, but it could be the second since they may truly be explaining their past on the first. The second they start to dwell on an ex or talk about an ex, you need to call them out and inform them that is not how you want a new relationship to go.
It could be that it may reach a point where you just left the situation and move on yourself to someone who can appreciate being with you.